This morning it hit me like a ton of bricks, things are changing in our house. My little cozy, comfortable routine that I'm so used to is quickly changing and there is nothing I can do about it.
Thankfully, these changes are not "bad" changes at all. They're actually really wonderful changes. Tucker (my precious 5 year old son) is starting kindergarten in August, I think that's what poked this bear inside of me. This morning I went to the school to register him. No, I didn't cry, I was fine, but I realized that things were going to be different in our house very quickly. Not to mention we (hopefully soon) will have our sweet China Baby! It's all laying heavy on me today that my world is about to be wrecked, in a wonderful way, of course, but still wrecked!
I've quickly realized through this adoption process that I like to be in control of my situations. I like to have a plan and follow it. Tucker starting school in August is completely wrecking our routine and it's freaking me out a bit! Of course, not Tucker's fault, we do realize education is important, but I have no control over any of it! I'm the type of person that needs to have a plan, needs to know the plan in advance and quite honestly preferred to have made the plan itself. I like to know where I'm going and what will happen when I get there. Which is quite funny when you think about it because the adoption process is complete opposite of that. Oh yes, we have "timelines" and "guides" but there is literally no real timeline, we have NO CLUE when we will be matched and when we will travel. We just have educated guesses, and in some cases, just a guess.
So why am I ok with that lack of plan and not ok with all the changes that are happening right now in my life? Maybe because I've been in control far too long and God is trying to break me of that habit? Maybe He's telling me to let go of my plan and let Him plan for me. Maybe, He's trying to set me free?
He knows the plans He has set before me. He knows what will happen when Tucker starts kindergarten and all that will involve. He knows our China Baby and where she is and who she's with and that He is preparing her to become a Harmon. He knows ALL. He knows the past, present and future. Why am I trying to control what I see in this tiny moment of time?
It all comes down to these 5 letters. TRUST. Do I trust him enough to push past my need for control and let Him plan my future. It seems sometimes the "big" situations in my life are easy to give to Him, but the little things that may not be much to anyone else, but keeps me up at night (what will happen to our routine when Tucker starts school? Who will pick him up? How will we find time to help with homework?) Those things seem easy for me to hang onto. God wants it all, because He cares about it ALL. He cares that I want to be there for Tucker to help with homework. He cares that I want to pick him up from school and ask about his day. He cares about all of those things. So if the God of the universe cares about those things.....can't I trust Him enough to know He already has a plan in place?
Thank you, Father, for caring for me in the big things and the little things. Help me to remember that and cast all my cares upon you. Help me to trust you in every way.